book review: twilight

yah, i read twilight. as a long time reader of sci-fi/fantasy novels, i had to see what the big fuss was about. i thought it was cool that the vampire legendarium was making it into virgin demographic territory and i was curious as to what it took to make that happen.

so i read it.

to be honest, at first i didn't much care for it. partly because the author hadn't even bothered to do her homework about vampire lore and seemed to be making stuff up out of whole cloth. i found that a bit irritating, but i was hoping the story would be able to make up for that.

the story is largely a love story, which i understood even before i read it. vampire stories have always been about love and/or sex when you understand the metaphor, so that wasn't anything that was going to keep me away from reading the book. but, as the story unfolded, my initial assessment was that the "love" part of the story seemed immature and shallow and without the love story there wasn't much there to the book.

but then i heard a fan telling a man "don't let your wife read it! cause if you do then you will be spending the rest of your life being romantically compared to edward *dreamy sigh*".

and then a lightbulb went off. all i have to do is imitate edward and i will get all the kudos for being the world's greatest romantic. I CAN DO THIS!!!1!!11

so i've come up with some tips on how, exactly, to be as romantic as edward.

first and foremost, bella loves edward because he's sooooooo beautiful. paragraph afer paragraph is filled with descriptions of edward as "breathtaking" and "dazzling" and "pretty" and "cant-take-my-eyes-off-his-pretty-face". bella really has little else to say about edward. he even sparkles in the sunlight he is just THAT beautiful.

this one is actually kinda easy for us guys. you got the woman you are with because she was attracted to you. just look exactly the same as you did when you first met and never, ever change. be that beautiful and you, my friend, will have the core of what makes edward so romantic. also, it might not hurt to put on some glitter. i'm just sayin'.

second, it's not enough to just be pretty, but you have to love with the same intensity that edward loves. this vampire/dude loves this girl because she has the exact right kind of blood that drives him insane. his attraction to her begins and mostly ends with the fact that he wants so badly to gorge on her blood. but eating her has the unfortunate side affect of killing her, and then he would lose his love.

a dilemma, yes, but a dilemma that is resolved because he loves her so much that he will not kill her! this is what makes edward so romantic.

how do we ordinary guys try to measure up to this standard? well, it's simple. tell your wife often that you love her so much you won't kill her! if your wife starts crying about how you don't love her because you left the toilet seat up (or whatever), just say "hey babe. of course i love you. i haven't killed you yet have i!?" tada, instant romance.

next, there is a particular scene that i hear oft repeated as an example of how romantic edward is.

i'm talking, of course, about the bedroom scene (not THAT kind of bedroom scene you pervert!).

this vampire/dude stayed all night in her bedroom, unknown to her, just staring at her. out of all the important things a vampire of his stature could be doing during that time, he chose to spend his time just hanging around the sleeping girl whose blood he loved so much. clearly, she (or her blood) meant everything in the world to him (don't worry about the stalkerish nature of his behavior cause it's not stalking if she likes you).

so how do we be like edward and show our wives that they are everything in the world to us? it's simple, tell your wife you can't stand being away from her, quit your job and hang around the house all day. sure, you might have to cut back on the finer things in life (like shelter, clothes, arby's, etc.), but you'll always have your romantic love to keep you happy.

i've got more tips, but i'll just let those stew for now.

so that's how i learned to see the value of the book twilight and am so glad i had a chance to read it.

EDIT: aw crap. i found out my wife didn't like the book because the love story was "immature and shallow". anyone know how to remove a crapton of glitter off your body?